the time line
i finally feel up to posting another semi-serious blog. i really want to post some pictures for my sister, mom, and
janis...but i still have to figure out how this all works using someone
else's computer to download things and then upload them. anyways, i will post some pictures soon.
for now - here are a few ramblings.
there were many phases that i went through when i found out i was pregnant. here it goes.
1. THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!!!!! - i took 2 home tests, went to the
dr., and then had an ultrasound...i was 7 weeks pregnant.
2. DISBELIEF - i could not believe i was pregnant. sometimes things happen when all reason tells you they should not. i did not want a baby at all and i could not believe this was reality.
3. SHOCK - not only could i not believe that i was pregnant but i also did not want a baby. this was not the timing nor the way i wanted/thought things would go. due to the fact that i did not want a baby at first i was thinking i would give the baby up for adoption. then over Christmas i realized it would be really hard to give the baby up.
4. THE FAMILY - over Christmas was when i told my immediate family. i knew that this would be the hardest but most needed and supportive step i would make.
5. LOGISTICS - i needed to find a
dr., start packing (i knew i would move somewhere before the baby was born), deal with what was happening to my body...in early January I actually started to admit to myself that i wanted to keep the baby.
6. CAN I DO THIS? - thinking through can i really do this whole parenting thing...Physically, Emotionally, Financially. i was freaking out.
7. PHYSICALLY - how was i going to make it as single parent?
8. EMOTIONALLY - doing things all on my own, i realized from the start would be the most difficult thing i have ever had to deal with emotionally.
8. FINANCIALLY - how would i pay for and support this baby?
9. LETTING GO! - early in February i was reading and spending the night alone. i was listening to music and stumbled onto my sister, Paula's blog. she was writing a post about how she realized somewhere in the last 7 years of her life/marriage/being a mom that she was totally NOT in control. it is quite an amazing blog. it was at this
poing i started to cry and God said to me, "are you ready to let go?" see...i had up to this point been controlling my life. i could work hard at school to
acheive good grades, train harder to earn a spot athletically, i had made good and bad decisions, but up to this point in my life...i had controlled how my life went. it wasn't until that night, alone with God, that he spoke and i listened. it all came out, i admitted to myself, to God, and the next day to a few close friends that i was keeping the baby. God said, "Let go!" and i knew that if i was to keep this baby, there was NO way in this world that i could do it on my own. i would have to allow God to be in control...of me physically,
emtionally, and financially. since that day...my life has never been the same. my relationship with God has completely changed, my priorities are completely different, and how i prioritize what i do with time. i would never have asked for my life to take this course. there is no way, i would change it.
1o. EXCITEMENT!!!! - then somewhere later in February, i started to get excited about having a baby and being a mom ;-) since that time my excitement has continued to grow as i have grown physically!!!
so there it is...the timeline of life transition. i feel as if this is not the first timeline of transition for me...i know it will not be the last. life is constantly changing and as i learn to accept the unknown turns and twists it takes, I learn how amazing it is to know that God is in control and I am NOT!!
how has God challenged you lately to "let go?"
the end of an era
'it's the end of an era!" for those of who watch/watched FRIENDS...this is a great quote by Monica when Rachel moves out and Chandler moves in. this is how i sorta feel right now. i move out tomorrow from my house on Downing street, very near downtown Denver. i live about 100
yds. from
safeway (our wonderful grocery store), 1 mile from Washington Park (my favorite training spot while preparing for the Denver Marathon), about 1/2 mile from
Cheesman Park, 8 blocks from my store, and several amazing
restaraunts within walking distance! all this will be dearly missed as i move 13 miles east into the suburbs. for those of you who know me well...you know that i LOVE LIVING IN THE CITY!!!! people are always out and about; walking, riding, taking the bus, enjoying the area. i may be surprised but i do not see this as much in the suburbs. i see thousands of houses cut out of the same pattern with no people around. this is one reason i feel it's the end of an era.
the other reason a new era begins as i move in with Priscilla and Craig - not that this has not already begun, but i feel tomorrow marks a significant change. no longer will i be the single, free spirited girl i have always been. i have changed into a single mom, still free spirited yet much more
reponsible. as i mentioned these changes have already taken place, but now life gets real.
my room will no longer be my own...in about 3 months i will share it with a newborn baby. this is exciting and slightly scary. the last time i shared a room was in college, 5 years ago, and that was with someone my own age - not completely dependant on me!!! don't get me wrong...i am excited to be a mom. i just know that my life is radically changing for the rest of my life and moving out of a house I love, away from roommates i love, and away from the city i have come to know as my own is sad. it is different. it is change. it is the end of an era. an era of me, myself, and I.
the other day i made a list of things i will miss about being single and a list of things that excite me about being a mom. i will save that list for a later blog.
for now...i must go. my friend molly and i are about to go paint the town...or my pregnant version of it ;-) i gave up alcohol for the year (good year to do it when you are pregnant ;-)...except for celebratory occasions. tonight i toast...singleness, the house i live in, the 3 amazing roommates i live with, the neighborhood i walk in and run around, the city i have loved exploring and making mine, i toast doing what i want when i want (that sounds very selfish, but we all know that being single affords us this pleasure at times), i toast change, new life, and the miracle growing inside of me.
cheers!
the FIRST of many firsts!!!!
IT'S A BEAN!!!!!!
the current roommates; Hailey, Me, Allison, and Jes
Mandy Houle (Elsberry) former college roommate and teammate
former college teammates and roommates Raleigh and Mandy, Me, and Ricci. (i have never actually lived with Ricci!)
yesterday i had my first baby shower. it was aweseome!!! it was a great time of food, fun, and friends. past roommates, college teammates, sister, honorable mom, current soccer buddies, and my great roommates and friend Ricci threw me the shower. Hailey decoreated the house beautifully while Ricci planned the games and fun! it was all i could ask for and more.
i can't wait for my "little bean" (the nickname given to the baby by my cousin Janis, because it is like a growing bean) to meet all these fabulous people God has placed in my life and serve as constant blessings. here are some fun pictures. enjoy ;-)
long overdue...not the baby, just this posting
these are not excuses for not posting recently, but definately explanations. ;-)
sorry i have been so delayed in posting lately. BUT...
1. I got deathly, or at least it felt deathly, ill upon my arrival back from MI in mid March. I had a fever of about 100 degrees for about 2 days ;-( I also had this incredibly bad lung cough that i thought was going to rip my lungs out of my chest. It made me lose my voice and the whole ordeal put me in bed for about a week. I am finally (i think, please!!!!) fully recovered.
2. Soccer has picked up steam and is now rolling full force ahead. It has been great and lots of fun, just puts me to bed sooner some days than usual ;-)
3. Work has kicked my tail. On top of soccer being busy...i have been working well over 40 hours per week and am having a discussion about this issue with my district manager tomorrow.
4. I am little-by-little packing up my part of the house. I started strategically with the heavier items first (books), and have now packed up most of my clothes i can not wear ;-( and all of the kitchen stuff...which was a lot. Thank you Grandma ;-) I move out of my house on April 27th. I am sad and ready at the same time. So i hope to have all my stuff packed and things not going to Priscilla and Craigs already moved to storage before move day!
That is about it...now that i feel a little more sane and not so sick i will update more frequently.
Here are some pictures from Michigan and lately with friends. (i need to start taking more pictures i realized!)
Merilee and I (she was my college roommate of 3 years...she drove all the way from WV to see me...i was so excited and tickled that she came!!!!)
My friend Dimitri and I (we met while running the Denver Marathon last fall)
Beth Diehl and I... last weekend at girls night out in the Springs. I played soccer at IWU with Beth and 3 other girls that live in Colorado Springs. We all met up for dinner. Mandy Houle (Elsberry) has an almost 1 year old baby girl; Raleigh, who is pursueing her masters degree; and Ricci, my friend of almost 9 years who will be one of my birthing coaches. (Priscilla will also be in the room ;-)
Long story short - Beth is going to China Friday for 4 months. Pray for her!!!
sickly update
so it came to pass that i would finally get this nasty thing everyone else has come down with this winter. it stinks real bad. i took a preplanned sick day on tuesday for some doctors appointments. had an ultrasound and the little bean is looking good! i started feeling bad on monday at my sisters and then tuesday took a turn for the worse. wednesday i had a tempeature of around 100 and took another sick day. i actually made it to work for 3 whole hours today and am planning on trying to make it at another 3-4 tomorrow.
any prayers for my health are welcomed. i need to kick this thing. the worst part is the coughing. i have no voice due to coughing so much and it really hurts. but i know it needs to happen. pray that i recover quickly. i got sick in January with bronchitis and took me 3 weeks to recover. eekk!
will post pictures from MI soon...if you are dying to see some new ones...check out my sister paula's blog. she is on top of things.
love you all.
on a lighter note! (for janis!!!)
my grandpa tells me i should change things up a bit and lighten the mood ;-) thanks grandpa for the suggestion. i guess he has some perspective as he recently went through triple bypass surgery and i am sure felt the need after that to lighten the mood.
i thought i would share some pictures...pre-baby belly, just found out pictures, and now in the growing phase. since i was not ready to take pictures of my belly from day 1, i included pictures just to show the changes in my features (i think it is most evident in my face).
enjoy!
Marathon shape!! in chicago!!
Finish line of the Denver Marathon!!!!
Early January...I was about 13 weeks.
Skiing Feb. 15th in Steamboat Springs with some friends...i could barely fit into my ski pants. I was almost 18 weeks.
Chandler (Riccara's dog) and Buckly (my roommate Hailey's dog) from the view of my eyes...see the belly in the way?
I think I look ridiculous...because Ricci told me to pull my shirt down. I will get better at this pregnant belly picture thing ;-)
Will post more from this weekend in Michigan!!!!!!!!
the hard way - pt. 3
my dad always told me i would learn the hard way. i never knew exactly what that meant, but apparently i was just like him...or so he said. i never believed him all that much when i was younger, i am not sure why we as children stop accepting what our parents say to us and start to question them. i sure did...i knew my dad was intelligent and smart, but come on...how could i, a girl, be just like my dad. but i do distinctly remember my father over and over saying to me, "You are just like me, you will learn the hard way."
i always wanted him to tell me what i would learn the hard way. at least tell me when i would learn these lessons. as a good father though, he could not tell me what i would learn the hard way. (more on why in a later post) i am sure he could have guessed but that might have done more harm than good, causing me to second guess everything i did or perhaps if i had known what i would learn the hard way i would not know what i do today. i AM much like my father. i would not say exactly but in more ways than one, i am just like my dad.
most recently i have been learning lessons on control and decision making. i have made a few choices in the past 6 months that have not been great decisions. the results and consequences, though very visible and life changing, i believe will be one of the most amazing blessings in my life.
as i mentioned i have struggled with quite a few things in my life. mainly things that the "Church" would say i should just not do. that is great to know that i should not do these things, but how in the world am i actually supposed to make daily decisions to live rightly? more on that later...i think i finally have made some headway.
just breathe Rudy...
the life changing part...if you have not already guessed; i am pregnant. i am 21 weeks along and showing quite nicely now. it has taken me some time to be okay with this and to truly accept and be excited about this huge thing taking place. i always thought i would have kids at the age of 26...i just thought i would be married as well. the choices i made were not the best in anyway but i do not know if i would be where i am today emotionally or spiritually without all that has happened taking place.
at this point, i know if you are reading this for the first time you might have lots of questions. i would be more than willing to answer your questions but on a one on one basis. so feel free to comment and say you have questions or just email me. or call if you have my number. i plan on posting one more blog explaining the process that i have gone through since initially finding out that i am pregnant. trust me...3 months ago there is NO way i would have been able to write this and especially be this open.
i feel it is very important to say one more thing, for the first time in 5 years; I am at PEACE!!!!!
i am at peace with God, my relationship with Him, the Church, my life and what direction it is headed in. at times it seems unthinkable to be at peace with all that is taking place in my life. i am though, truly at peace. i know God is in control of my life and whatever happens from here on out. i have given up and given in to allowing God to have control ;-)
so there it is...the good, the bad, and the ugly of rudy, mel, melissa - however you might know me.
thanks for listening to my heart. i hope it makes some sense, although i understand if it takes some time. it took me a while to understand and be okay.
check back for the last part and some soon to be posted pictures.
much love -
Phil 1:20
I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.
